… given that I’m making a foray back into the world of dating after an overly long hiatus, I’ve come across lots of interesting men. Except for one thing.
It used to be women who were needy, clingy and unsure of themselves. When did worlds collide and the balance shift? I figure it must have been while I was busy working my arse off and becoming independent.
I came across these articles and they clarified a lot of stuff for me. I thought it was just me being cautious or judgmental because I’ve been out of the dating game so long but it’s not. My intuition is on high terror alert for a reason. And every time in my life shit has gone pear-shaped, it’s coz I didn’t listen to my gut feelings:
Clingy behaviour is an absolute deal breaker for me. Even in preliminary emails this becomes blindingly obvious. And I’m sure some women love it. Love the commitment and the passion and the security. But not me.
It freaks me out. Suffocates me. Makes me feel like I could be just any woman fulfilling the need in this man’s life… not THE woman. It’s not me being a bitch. I just want a guy who acts like my male friends act. Normally. They go out with their friends (without their girlfriends sometimes), they have good relationships with their families. They have solid friendships with both sexes. They’re funny. Not needy.
Basically, secure people. I understand the pressure of getting older and realising that much like Bridget Jones, you’re probably going to end up alone and eaten by Alsatians. But I’d rather die alone than ever become a clingy, needy mess. My inner peace and fulfillment needs to come from me… Not some external source. I don’t need every message I receive to be romantic or praising me. It doesn’t make me smile. It makes me want to drop my phone in the bath.
Maybe I’m strange. Maybe I’m just a selfish bitch. Maybe I don’t want the right things. But I figure the right man will make me smile without overloading me and won’t be relying on me to fulfil him and heal him. That stuff happens over time with trust and love. Not in the first few emails. Some romantic texts/emails are fine – perfect even. But not every one. And not 30-50 times a day. Especially before you’ve even met me in person.
I have a lot in my life. I think that’s a good thing. A partner should complete the picture – not be the whole picture. If they’re spending their whole day at work emailing you and you’re sending one reply for every 5-10 of their emails, probably their employer should withhold their pay. And if you’re talking all day, what’s left to talk about at night?
Maybe I’m just too old for the ‘puppy love’ thing. Maybe I’ve had too many crazy people in my life to view things objectively. But this brings me back to my original thought… “Why can’t people just be normal??” I might have hang-ups about my weight and my overall attractiveness… But I’ll fix that. I don’t need someone to fix it for me. Or make me feel ‘whole’…
*5 texts or emails from said men that I don’t reply to…
*Get text/email saying “sorry if I said something wrong 😦 😦 :(” or “did I say something wrong??”
*My answer (in my head) “No, I’m just effing busy – why aren’t you??!” Or “if I don’t reply after 2 messages, I’m busy – go find something to do other than barrage me with love notes. I’ll get back to you when I can”
I can’t imagine a secure man expects immediate replies or for his prospective partner to be available 24/7 to feed his emotional fuel tank.
So where does this clinginess in men come from? What happened to the alpha male? Women, let me know your thoughts…
PS. S = this is not about you