This has been a bit of a funny day for me. I can’t concentrate on anything and I’m feeling a little bit hopeless! There is a situation thats been going on in my life for about 10 years that has really got me down. Last night a new acquaintance encouraged me to tell him the story as he was in a position to give advice. He was really great but as I typed it out I realised how stupid I was, how many times I’d been too forgiving, how many times I was duped by tears and this bad person playing to my emotions. There are many reasons why I couldn’t extricate myself from that situation (which I won’t go into) and yes, the situation did include many unwanted advances. He always just talked me around with lies and emotional blackmail and, later on, sob stories about how he didnt have long to live. That too turned out to be a lie.
And I realised that since this whole situation blew up and got super scary 2 years ago, I’ve spent the time since then making myself as physically unattractive as possible to make sure I never get into that situation again. If men aren’t attracted to me, I won’t have to go through this again. That’s my messed up thinking.
But I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to go back to looking on the outside how I know I am on the inside. I want a chance at love. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life running because I know deep down I have a lot to offer someone. I don’t want to be some jaded old lady, just chillin’ with my 18 cats. I just need to be reminded of what’s possible and what I’ll miss by locking myself away.
I know it’s going to take a lot of hard work to get back to the super slender girl I once was and I know I’ll preach until I’m blue in the face about how looks shouldn’t matter – if you’re intelligent, fun, interesting, a good listener etc… Those things should matter more. But unfortunately they’re not what sparks an initial attraction in today’s society (unless a person is incredibly grounded).
So in terms of what I’m looking for – someone tall, with a full head of hair and their own teeth. That should do it. Haha.
Just kidding. The time has come to work on me. To make me the person I want to be and to acknowledge that at times it will be heart-burningly difficult and painful. But I need my confidence back. I need to be able to hold my head high. Nothing I’ve achieved so far means anything if I can’t have the courage to look in the mirror… And say ‘yeah… I did good’…
So I hope I can rely on everyone’s support to keep me on track 🙂