Someone wise told me recently that when I feel a certain way, no matter which way it is, I should write it down. In my blog, in a journal, on a napkin… Whatever. Some of my best ideas are on napkins or on the back of receipts or parking tickets.
But this is more about everyday life… I haven’t slept more than 6 hours since Sunday, finishing a project. I have technical drawings and a reading about Chinese architecture to do but I need a night away from it all. I’ve blogged enough lately about my frustrations with the course and was pleased to find today I’m definitely not the only person to feel that way. Makes things easier to know that. Like I’m not just cranky because it’s a fun thing to be.
This will probably come out as a stream of consciousness because my thoughts are flying around in my head like a tropical storm. What’s odd is that whilst lying here reading a book this afternoon, it struck me that I’m not like many other people. This isn’t a new thought by a long shot, but knowing that one of my closest friends is coming back from Canada with her partner and baby belly in a few days made me do a bit of a ‘life crit’.
Firstly, I’m at a very different place to a lot of my friends… They’re all in relationships, getting married, having bubbas. I’m not. I think it’s because I’m incompatible with… well, people. Haha. I’m often asked if I get lonely. I don’t. I’m often asked if I’m looking for a boyfriend. I’m not. I’m too terrified… My track record with relationships is abysmal (at best). So we can scratch that one off the list. It’s in Cupid’s hands now.
Other people are having careers and getting ahead financially. I’m not. I’m studying and getting myself another $40,000 in debt in order to learn. The good news is that in 3 years, I will start to make money and hopefully have some career satisfaction. I’m constantly trying to find 2 cents to rub together. It’s frustrating but all part of a journey.
I’m at university with (for the most part) people under 21. They’re some of the greatest, most creative, giving people I’ve ever met. They have more common sense than most people I know. Architecture kids are a strange breed in terms of being light years ahead in maturity than most others their age. Instead of making me feel like an outsider, I feel thoroughly included. That’s only just occurred to me. I look after them all as best I can and when I have no energy or the negativity takes over, they’re there to remind me about what is important. That makes me incredibly lucky.
I care to an insane degree about my design ability and output. I used to think this was a bad thing but today it doesn’t seem so detrimental. It will make me a great architect… I just have to learn to mediate the intensity and balance it up with a personal life – which, as previously noted, could be touch and go.
I’m a good person. We’ve all made mistakes and hopefully we’ve all learned. But I try to do what’s right all the time despite some pretty hefty daily personal challenges to deal with. Good things will come to me eventually… Just because nothing incredible is happening now doesn’t mean it won’t.
Sometimes just taking it one day at a time is ok. I don’t need to be where everyone else is. It will all happen eventually and beating myself up for everything I’m not only takes energy that could be spent acknowledging the things I do well. I can’t measure myself by others standards or achievements because I’m in a totally different place and set of circumstances.
I’m so happy to be seeing AJC this weekend. This is the kick in the butt I needed. I’ve teared up twice already today at the thought of seeing her after 3 long years. Her life is living proof that good things happen to good people. And the fact that there is a baby on the way makes it all the more exciting.
That’s why today I’m stuck in this strange melancholic, reflective state… It gave me those pangs of longing to be a mother and a wife. We have a joke with my mature-age uni mates that design and relationships don’t mix. I hope to break that mould one day when everything snaps into alignment. I hope I can be a full and complete person with someone else in my life. I hope I can always rely on my friends as I hope they know they can always rely on me.
If there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that life can’t be planned out or controlled. And it’s ok to sometimes feel like completely different from all those around you. It just makes you all the more unique and lovable.
And today the anger and frustration has subsided and I feel unique and lovable. I like it. I hope it stays around a while.